Flashback - 04/11/2010 - Letter of Love

Right after dinner tonight Anima, whom I have mentioned before, sheepishly and quietly handed me something. She smiled and whispered "don't read this until you are alone."

So I came directly back to my dorm room to read it. She handmade an envelope with a piece of paper, and put a note inside. There are no words to describe the feeling that came over me. The letter was an answer to one of my prayers. I have been doubtful if I have a purpose at the orphanage and think maybe I should just throw in the towel. The minute I started to read the rainbow marker colored words on her note, I knew this was God's doing. He knew I was doubting, and needs me to stay. I am still not certain why or what I am supposed to do here, but I have to find faith to do so. Wouldn't it be great if we could find our faith in a lost-in-found box? Or nail a sign up on a tree with the words "LOST FAITH. IF FOUND PLEASE CALL 512-788-4749. REWARD."

I hope you enjoy the letter as much as I do.

GOD CREATED US TO SERVE. NO EXCUSES. TAKE ACTION.

Flashback - 4/10/2010 - Ice Cream, Internet & French Fries

It is official! I have been at Watoto Wa Baraka Orphanage in Kenya for one week.

All the other volunteers and I went to Thika to use the internet and explore the city life. Thika is pretty fast paced with tarmac roads, banks, Grocery store, restaurants, hOtels and even a shoe store.

Having access to technology after seven Days of nothing (noCell phone, TV, DVD, running water, or electRicity) was quitE a treAt. But The biggest trEat of all was the fooD. I had french fries, cookies dipped in chocolate, ice cream, roasted maize (like corn on the cob), and pineapple. All of that went down my trap in two hours flat. The sUper market was lovely,mostly because it has fluShing toilets and soap dispensers.

Erick, the sTaff member whO accompanied us, gave uS 20 minutEs to do all our shopping because we had to catch the matatu by 4:00 pm to get back to the oRphanage before dark. Oy Vey! It was like we wEre on the game show "Super Market Sweep". I literally grabbed a basket and started runnnig to fiNd what I needed. The prOblem was I didn't know what I neEded. In eXactly 20 minutes I was able to grab four bags of Coffee, three apples, a bUnch of bananaS, peanut buttEr, popcorn, granola, chipS and ice cream. I got in line with two minutes to go and as my turn came up, I realized I didn't follow protocol with the produce. You are supposed To weigh and lAbel before you get in line. So an employee of the super marKet had to take thEm and do it for me. I wAs so Close to the finish line! I could see everyone waiTing for me on the other sIde. But unlike "Super Market Sweep" they were nOt cheering me on. They were aNnoyed.

GOD CREATED US TO SERVE. NO EXCUSES. TAKE ACTION.

Flashback - 4/10/2010 - Tiger Woods of Kenya

One of the orphanage staff members, we'll call her Mary, shared a story of heartache and relationship gone bad.

Mary was in relationship (how they say dating) with one man for about a year. This man is heavily involved in his church and respected by the community. The courtship began while they were in University. They saw each other daily, just spending time together and hanging out. She soon fell in love and gave him her heart, but not her body. After about 8 months in she found out he had been cheating on her, and therefore cut off all ties of communication. As any cheating man does, he tried to win her back. He sat outside her dorm room at University for hours on end and sent numerous text messages. He gained her trust back, so she give him one more chance. Just like in the movies, she found out the woman he had been cheating on her with was pregnant. Mary broke it off yet again, this time for good. She didn't want to get in between a man and a woman, because that is not what God would want. Mary says only through prayer and faith was she able to heal and forgive him. She believes the reason she was able to find peace so quickly is because she prayed for him, not herself.

I find it interesting that no matter where you go, even in a Kenyan Village, people suffer heartache and pain because of relationships. It taught me that the desire to be in love and relationship is world wide, and so is temptation and betrayal.

Have you been hurt? I certainly have. Have you tried to pray for the person who hurt you?


GOD CREATED US TO SERVE. NO EXCUSES. TAKE ACTION.

Flashback - 4/09/2010 - Field Work

I remember when I first got the information about the different volunteer duties we could choose from : Laundry Assistant, Kitchen Assitant, HIV/AIDS Hospital volunteer, Gardening Assistant, Farm and Animal Care Assistant, Clean up after kids assistant (that is not the real name, but that is pretty much all you do), Teaching Assistant, and FIELD WQRK.
As the field worker assistant, you go around the nearby villages to check in on the sponsors kids, how exciting! At least it is to me.

Today was my first day in Field Work with Erick. We left about 8:30am and came back around 1:30pm. Not too bad of a work day, huh? Well we walked the entire time, probably about six miles. Six miles is not really that far to walk, but it is in a village with no paved roads, sidewalks, water stations, or place to stop and have lunch. I realized taking your work to lunch is not common like in America. First of all, there are no left-overs. People eat as much as they can when they have it. Even if they did have left - overs it would go to livestock, not in a glade tupperware containter and put in the refrigerator over night.

Not only did I enjoy getting to see how the villagers live and what kind of lifestyle, I was able to ask Erick questions about his life, dreams and other Kenyan cultural stuff.

Tracy: "What is your dream?"
Erick: "To run an orphanage in Nairobi that not only serves the kids, but also the community. The center would have HIV/AIDS counseling and education, Doctor on staff, job resource center, basically anything to help those in need."

Tracy: "What is your favorite food?"
Erick: "Um, I am not sure. I guess Ugali (yuck!) and Chipati (yum!). What is your favorite food, Tracy?"

Tracy: "I would have to say cheeseburgers and sushi. Have you ever had either one?"
Erick: "No. I think I know what a hamburger is, but what is sushi?"

Tracy: "How does it work with the kids who are sponsored? How do you know who needs one?"
Erick: "It is $25 to sponsor a child. That money will go to whatever it is they need. Usually it is school clothes, school supplies, matress, food, shoes, and etc. The people in the community tell me if another child is in need. We currently have 59kids sponsored, but have another 20 kids on the list waiting."

Tracy: "Why aren't the kids living at the orphanage if they are so needy?"
Erick: "About 90% of the sponsor kids are living with a grandparent, or other relative. So they are not considered orphans. Until of course the grandparent dies, and people live pretty long here. My grandmother lived to 120 years old."

Tracy: "Is it okay if I look at a man and smile?"
Erick: "That's a funny question. Why do you ask?"
Tracy: "Because I have tried to make eye contact with people, both men and women, and they all seem to look away."
Erick: "That is probably because you are a mzungo(white person). Some people here have never seen a mzungo. Have you noticed all the kids running behind us on the road? They have been yelling 'mzungo!mzungo!mzungo!How are you?' You see all babies are born white, even African babies. So they think you are a big baby, and want to touch the hand of a big white baby."

Tracy: "Why are there tons of calendars hanging on the walls of the houses?"
Erick: "That is how they decorate. How do you decorate at home?"
Tracy: "Well we usually paint the walls different colors, hang pictures of family, or art work up."

Tracy: "Is is rude for me to decline tea or bread when they offer it to me? It seems every home we have been to they offer tea, and I can't drink that much tea or I will have to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes."
Erick: "It isn't rude. They probably won't stop asking, so it is easier to just tell them you only want a little."

** the picture is of me and local villagers. the older woman admired the bandana I was wearing, so I gave it to her.

GOD CREATED US TO SERVE. NO EXCUSES. TAKE ACTION.

Flashback - 4/08/2010 - Fire & Ice

Last night (4/7/2010) was really frustrating. During school I noticed one of the girls, Catherine, was not engaging in the class. She had this dazed look and tears were streaming down her face. She wasn't wailing, just sitting there, no sounds just tears. When I went over to ask if she was alright she didn't respond. I don't know if it was because she felt so bad, or if she didn't understand what I was saying. Probably a little of both.

The only thing I could think to do was take her temperature. She had a fever of 103. Since I don't really know how the orphanage handles sick kids, I asked for guidance from Zach, the orphanage manager. He said to give her some medicine, and check back in on her a little later.
WHAT!?!??! I didn't understand! Why didn't he drop everything to take appropriate action like my mom? When I had a fever that high my mom would throw my naked butt into a bath full of freezing water and ice.

Well a bath full of ice is not an option at the orphanage. So I opted for the alternative of Tylenol and kept a cold compress on her forehead until she fell asleep.

Surprisingly, Catherine came to dinner. I figured she must have broken her fever. Not true. She still had a 101.7 degree temperature.(I found out later that the kids don't miss a meal, no matter how bad they feel.) I immediately picked her up and took her to her bed. One of the older girls, Amina, followed me. Amina made sure Catherine ate some of her dinner while I put another cold compress on her forehead. Her fever did break in the middle of the night and she is doing okay today. Thank God!

Now looking back, I realized I over reacted. The orphanage staff handled the situation much better than me. They take good care of the kids and always have their best interest at heart. The kids have full stomachs, clean drinking water, are provided with an education and are given more love than anyone could imagine. I was just really confused and frustrated by the whole situation. It is frustrating when someone handles a situation different than you would. I am sure they were frustrated with me. I am a Middle Class American volunteer with no children. Who am I to make judgement on their way of life?

I am guessing this is another lesson of patience God is trying to teach me. I cannot impose my way of thinking onto them. The orphanage was here before I came, and will be here when I leave. But I tell ya, it is REALLY hard to keep my beliefs and values in check. Kenya has a totally different way of life and culture than the U.S.

Jesus - I ask for you to help me find patience. I pray for wisdom and discernment on how God wants me to spend my time here. Does He want me to just love and serve, or is there something more?

Flashback - 4/7/2010 - Human Sexuality, AIDS and Relationships

Today Priscilla, the teacher at the orphanage, and I went to the HIV/AIDS Hospital that WWB Orphanage has partnered with. When we arrived at the hospital, there were about 50 HIV positive individuals waiting to get counseling. It was a very surreal experience. As I walked by them I tried to smile, but I knew they knew I knew they had AIDS and it was really uncomfortable.

On the way back to the orphanage Priscilla and I talked about sex education in Kenya. Kenya is just now implementing sex education and awareness in the community. Unfortunately, they only focus on educating the women, not men. I guess the perception is that a woman in responsible for saying "no". Priscilla said men will target very poor children and women and offer gifts or money for sex. Because the women are so poor, they take the money to buy food, clothes, water or pay for school tuition. The women trade sex for things they have a right to have. Then once the man gets what he wants, he leaves the woman with an STD, or a baby on the way.

Because I am such a curious person, I couldn't resist asking if there was any education about self pleasure. I told her in America we have started to openly discuss masturbation so girls will learn to respect their bodies and not feel the pressure to have pre-marital sex.

Priscilla didn't really respond. Maybe I crossed a line, but I wanted to know. If I don't ask I will only make assumptions.

Remember: GOD CREATED US TO SERVE. NO EXCUSES ALLOWED. GET INVOLVED TODAY.

Flashback - 4/5/2010 - Someones in the Kitchen with Grace

Today I was on kitchen duty. We started at 9am sorting beans and didn't stop until 2pm. The kids are eager to help and seem to enjoy showing me the difference between "good" and "bad" beans. Grace, the cook, works pretty much all day long. She gets up around 6am to make porridge for the kids and tea for the volunteers. Then she starts to prepare lunch and dinner. In between all that she sorts beans, rice, maize, and peels pumpkin in preparation for tomorrow. Her day is complete after dinner is served, at 8pm.

It was a good first day and allowed me to get a feel for the kids personalities.

Flashback - 4/5/2010 - Lesson to be learned

Dear God -
I am still not sure why you sent me here. Am I supposed to get something out of this or am I here to impact the kids lives? Or neither? Why don't I know the answer to that question? Maybe this trip lesson in patience. But truth be told, I don't want to be patient. I want to know how the story ends before I read the book. Maybe I should just focus on being present. That is my prayer for today:

I pray to be present in each moment and with your help, experience life (both mine and kenyan).

I am curious, do you (you meaning blog followers) feel God is trying to teach you a lesson of some sort?

Flashback - 4/4/2010 - Am I really cut out for this?

Right now I am not sure I can stay for the whole trip. There is a pig pen right outside my dorm room. The pigs oink so loud it feels like they are in the room with me. Not to mention the smell - gross!

Oh, and the bathrooms. I officially retract my statement about the bathroom at the hotel. It was paradise compared to here. Last night I had to go to the bathroom twice and going to the bathroom here is not like going at home. At home I stumble into the bathroom, do my thing and stumble back to bed. It takes effort and awareness here. I have to get out of bed, grab my flashlight, toilet paper, and hand sanitizer. Then I put on my jacket, and rain boots. I don't put on the rain boots b/c of the rain. I put them on so the pee doesn't splash on my feet.


I foolishly thought I had realistic expectations about the orphanage. I keep telling myself it is not that bad, and I will adjust. I sure hope so!

I do appreciate the orphanage's attempt to make the toilet/shower more appealing. They named it "The Hilton". I am quite certain Paris Hilton wouldn't set foot in this "Hilton".

Flashback - 4/4/2010 - African Easter

It is Easter Sunday, so the other volunteers and I coordinated an Easter Egg Hunt for the kids at the orphanage. They do celebrate Easter at the orphanage, but they usually hunt for real eggs. JUST KIDDING! Their celebration is much less commercialized. There is no Easter bunny or Easter egg basket full of toys and candy. They simply celebrate Jesus and give thanks for his love. Wonder what holidays would be like in the States without a mascot and presents?

Flashback - 4/3/2010 - What now?

Okay God I made it safe and sound to WWB orphanage. What do you want me to now? What do you want me to do for these kids?

I want to serve these kids, but I don't know how. This is going to be a very interesting 3 weeks. Jesus, show me the way.

Hey all you bloggers out there: Have you ever felt that you know exactly what God created you for, yet at the same time totally confused on why you were put here on Earth?

Share your struggles with me, I need some company in this weird position.

Flashback - 4/3/2010 - Beep! Beep!

Traffic is CRAZY!! Only some of the roads are paved, and most of them are only two lanes. There is no system or driving laws. All you need is a drivers license and the courage to navigate through the chaos. The main mode of transportaion is riding a Matutu. A ride in a Matatu is an adventure in and of itself. A matatu is a 14 passenger mini-van. The matatus don't really follow the 14 passengar rule. As a matter of fact, the don't go anywhere until there is at least 20 people and it isn't strange if the passenger sitting next to you is a chicken.

Never again will I complain about crappy public transportation.

Flashback - 4/3/10 - Talk is CHEAP

This morning Martha and Pacomis helped me buy a cell phone just for my time in Kenya.
The whole cell phone issue was a big concern for me. AT & T charged insane fees for international roaming - $5.00 a minute. I wasn't sure how I would be able to communicate with the fam.

Well as most of the things I get anxious about, it was no big deal at all. Pacomis took me a cell phone store, which is basically a vendor on the street to buy the phone, charger and credits. The cell phone, SIM card, and credits came to about 2,000 ksh ($26). After that we were on our way to the orphanage.

If you can get a cell phone and minutes for that cheap, why do we pay so much??

Flashback - 4/2/10 - Hotel Paradise in Nairobi

It is 12am and we just got to the hotel in Nairobi. The name of the hotel is "Citywall Hotel". It should be called "Hole in the Wall Hotel".
It looks like one of those motels you see in a cheesy action film where the escaped prison mate shacks up to hide from the police. Maybe it is not that bad. "Citywall Hotel" has four floors with all the rooms inside the building, mosquito nets, security guards and a reception desk. They only take cash - schillings. It costs 5500 schilling ($73) for two rooms including breakfast. I can hear people talking on the street, and even though I have no idea what they are saying, I am certain they are buying drugs and selling their bodies.

I took a shit in a hole in the ground, which surprisingly wasn't that bad. The hard part is aiming your pee so it doesn't splash on your feet.

God - I ask you to help me adapt to these situations. I came here to experience the Kenyan life and culture. I also pray you keep me healthy and diarrhea free.

Have you ever stayed somewhere that the person in the next room could have been featured on "Americas Most Wanted"?

Flashback - 4/2/2010 -Swahili Lesson in Mid - Air

It is Friday April 2, 2010 at 5:15pm. I am on the plane to Nairobi with about 4 hours left to go. Outside the window is this amazing view of the Sahara Desert. It seems to go on forever even at 37,000ft. How long would it seem if you were stranded there? Just thinking about it made me push the flight attendant button to ask for water.

I am sitting next to a young man who is from Nairobi, but has been schooling in London. He helped me learn some swahili. I had all the intentions to memorize phrases and such before I left, but it didn't happen.

Jambo -- hello
Jina langu ni Tracy -- My name is Tracy
Jina yako ni ?? --- what is your name?
Asante Sana -- thank you very much
Nina sikianja -- I'm hungry
Wewe ni mrembo -- you are pretty
tafadhali -- please
bafu iko wapi -- where is the bathroom?
pesa ngapi -- how much?
Habari Yako -- How are you?
Mzuri Sana -- very good
kwaheri -- bye
lala salama -- sleep well
benki iko wapi -- where is the bank?
kulia -- right
kushoto -- left
pole -- sorry (excuse me)

Once you get the hang of the pronuciations, it seems pretty easy.

Flashback - 4/2/10 - Campaigning on an airplane

I just met a man who is running for president of Kenya, Ledama Olekina. At first I thought "WOW! This is a big deal." But come to find out there are hundreds of people who campaign and run for president. From what I understand Kenya has seven tribes and in these tribes there are many sub groups. So, that means lots of people run for president.

The current President is Mwai Kibaki. Kenya gained its independance in 1963, so he is only the third President. His predecessors were Jomo Kenyatta and Daniel Moi. From what I can tell, there is not such a warm fuzzy feeling about Moi.

The man I met - Ledama Olekina, www.ledama.com, was smart to take advantage of such a captive audience. He was moving around the plane, shaking hands, and kissing babies. He was actually very nice and easy to chat with. He was curiout about my trip and said I should stop by his farm - Enkanasa Village Organic Farm to taste some of their fruit and vegetables. I am not sure we will have time, but I have his phone number. You never know, he might win the election and I will have a direct dial to the President of Kenya :)

Flashback - 4/1/10 - 1 Samuel 18: 13-14

"So he sent David away from him and gave him command over a thousand men, and David let the troops in their campaign. In everything he did, he had great success because the Lord was with him."

The way I read this is not that God will bring success to anyone if they say the believe in Him. He will bring success to those who follow His will and live the life he created them for. I can recognize my "success" with this trip b/c God is with me and I know I am doing His will. I do still have that feeling of "spiritual superiority" and ask you help me keep that in check. If I do all of these things in vain or to promote myself, then less people will get to know you. And my whole purpose in life will not be fulfilled. God, I pray you surround me with people who will help me with that struggle and ego. I also ask for the courage to share those emotions as they come up.

Flashback - 4/1/10 - Excitement comes back

The anxiety has gone out the window and the excitment and pure
joy is back.

God, I want the rest of the world to experience this joy and happiness. I know the only reason I am able to feel these feelings is because of you. Before I let you in my life, I was lost and confused. I thought I could find happiness in money, clothes, bars, men, and reality TV shows. I still enjoy all of those thigns, but they don't bring me true joy. I imagine the reason I feel this joy is becuase I am doing what you created me for. Thank you for guiding me to this place. I sure didn't find it on my own.

God, please give me the words to share the story you want to be told. This is your story, and I hope I can introduce you to others this way.

Mom and Marlo are on my mind. God, I pray you put the right job in Marlo's path. I pray she find what she enjoys to do and have the opportunity to explore it.

God, as you know mom is crazy nervous about my trip. I pray you calm her nerves and diminsh her fears. I pray you fill her heart with peace knowing this is your doing and you have me in your hands.

I do want to come back alive and without harm. I want to live more and see what you have planned for me. But I am also okay if something happens and I die. It is REALLY weird to say that, but I imagine if something does happen my story might inspire others to grow in relationship with you. Please don't take this to mean I want to die, but it feels good to know be overwhelmed with anxiety about the outcome of this trip.

Flashback - 4/1/10 What are the kids like?

I am at the airport and wondering about the kids. What are they like? What are they doing right now? It is about 7pm in the evening there, so I imagine they are doing homework, and making dinner. I pray they are healthy and growing strong. I pray any issues or heartache they have, they turn to you first. I pray they have strong minds, bodies and spirits.

At this moment I feel like I should maybe stay another week. God, if this is what you want please let me know. If so, I pray that I don't have to pay the change of flight fee for $100.

Flashback - 4.1.10 - Prayer for guidance on contribution

God, I thank you so much for giving me the money to take this trip. I don't know how you got all these wonderful people inspired to contribute, but it is AWESOME!
I think I will have about $1000 to give to WWB. I pray that you help me make a wise decision on how you want the money to be used, and not just give on my terms. I just want to be a good steward of your money.

Should I tell Geoffrey that I am considering making a donation but want to see how things operate first? Is that appropriate? Or should I just observe and make the decision once I am settled in? I am not sure if it would be demanding or condesending to say "I have money to give, but only if you operate your organization as I see fit." Who am I to know what is the best way to run an oprhanage in Kenya? I guess that is what you are for, God :) It is all up to you! Just let me know which direction you want me to take.

It's a process - Day 5

I have been back home for 5 days now. Maybe we should say 4, because that first day home I was totally out of it. During the day things felt surreal and awckward. During the night I had crazy dreams and woke up confused about where I was. Laura, a volunteer from South Carolina, said the weird dreams could be caused by Malarone, my anti-malaria medicine. That may be true, but a few times in college I woke up confused about where I was and I wasn't taking Malarone. I think the cuase of my confusion back then was from too many Swirls at The Mont.

The transition has been hard and I am not really sure what I feel. I am sad to be gone, thankful for the journey, glad to be home, hopeful I will be able to go back and terrified I will forget all the precious moments.

I thought I would want to see and talk to everyone right away, but that is not the case. It seems hard to muster the energy to tell the story as it should be told, and the words don't seem to be coming out as I would like. I have tried to share a bit of the experience with mom, dad and kip, but things seem to fall short. It was different while I was there because all of the volunteers were in the same boat. They knew what I was talking about when I said "UGH! We are having Ugali again tonight!" I am also dealing with a bit of guilt. I am not sure if my guilt is warranted, or if I am just falling into a lifestyle pattern. Before the trip I didn't realize how often I feel guilt. So that is another thing I am processing. I hope my journey backwards will help me work through some of these things.

preparation for the flight

I am getting ready to leave for the airport. Because we didn't have electricty on Tuesday and Wednesday, I haven't showered since Monday. Without electricity to boil the water, it is a very cold shower! So I opted to wait until today.

The "shower" is an outside stall the size of my linen closet with no running water and I have to calculate each move when preparing for a shower:

1. fill up hot water kettle and plug in so it can boil
2. Put on flip flops
3. fill my randall's re-useable grocery bag with towel, change of clothes, shampoo and conditioner, loofah, and sometimes a razor
4. grab my bucket and cup
5. Take the bag to the "shower" and turn the sign on the door to "busy"
6. check on hot water to see if boiling
7. start filling up bucket with regular water
8. take boiling water and combine it with the bucket water
9. fill up kettle again so I can have hot water the entire "shower"
10. carry bucket full of to shower - about 30 yards away from where I fill the water

Once in shower -
1. get undressed, except for flip flops
2. make sure towel is hanging on the back of the door so I can easily wipe my eyes
3. throw loofah in to the bucket along with a cup
4. put soap on loofah and start to wash
5. rinse off soap with cup
6. fill cup with water and pour over my head to wash and condition my hair
7. dry myself off, and step into the bucket without flipflops on to clean my feet
8. while standing in water, put clothes on (which means I have to balance on one foot at time
9. wrap towel around my head
10. put flipflops on and wash them in water

I will need to do all of these steps before leaving for airport, which is no big deal. I have been doing it for 5 weeks. HOWEVER, this time I have to add a few more calculated steps. My clothes and shoes are dirtier than an XXX rated film. Fortunately, I kept one outfit and pair of flip-flops tucked away in my suitcase for this occasion. They will not be brought out until I leave for the airport. I am so EXCITED to put these clothes on!!! The clothes I will put on right after the shower are different than my airplane clothes. I will also take extreme caution when washing my feet (they are so dirty it looks like I have a tan line). Once I get them as clean as possible I will put on a pair of socks and my tennis shoes. I won't change into my flip flops until I get the Nairobi Airport.

Au revoir Kenya!!!

Today is my last day in the orphanage. My time here was nothing like I expected, yet everything I expected and then some. I have kept up my journal almost everyday so I will be back posting (if that is even a word) once I return home. I can't wait to share how amazing God has been to me on this trip. He gave me the gift of getting to know the children, staff, volunteers, and people in the community. But most importantly He showed me His love and I feel closer to him than ever before.

Please pray for a safe journey home
Love,
Tracy