Emotions

In these final days before my departure to Kenya, I have felt excited, stressed, eager, overwhelmed, peaceful, frustrated, scared, inspired, confused and grateful. Despite my ever changing emotions there has always been happiness.

This got me to thinking, how often do we really feel happiness? If people really are happy why don’t they say so? When you ask someone “How ya doin’?” do you ever get the response “I’m happy!”? Most people just nod, give a half-ass smile and look away. Some people look you in the eye, smile and mumble a quick “I’m doing good, how about yourself?” It is a rare occasion when someone gives a response with passion and energy. I’ve tested this theory on Town Lake. I gave a huge smile to every person I passed on the trail and said “Good Morning!” Some people responded with a half-ass smile and quickly looked away, but most people just nodded. There were two individuals who responded with joy. They were in their eighties and probably just happy to still be walking.

So why now? Why am I so happy? The only conclusion I can come up with is my trip to Kenya is what God created me to do. Since He made me, He knows what will give me pure happiness. It makes perfect sense, right? Unfortunately it took me 30 years to figure out God is the key to happiness.

I am not disillusioned. I don’t expect to be happy every second of every day for the rest of my life, but I do expect myself to seek God, not worldly things for happiness. I recommend you try it out. What can it hurt?

Pair of shoes for me

While I was at the mall getting Martha's shoes, I had another panic attack. I think I need a different pair of shoes than my running shoes. I need something more rugged, especially since it is rainy season over there. I find it interesting that I opt to spend money when I get stressed or feel anxious.

I went to Acadamey and found some Merrell shoes that are meant for outdoor activity. They have some special material that does well in wet terrain.

I feel a little guilty about buying them, so I hope it was a good choice.

Guess I did need a few more things

I talked with Priscilla today about what to get Martha and Pacomis as a thank you gift. I already got a bag of chili powder (don't even know if they have ground beef to eat over there) and a prayer necklace for Martha. But I still felt like I should do something more. I thought about money for their time and travel, but I am not sure that is appropriate.

Priscilla said money is appropriate and would not be offensive. Especially since you never know what someone will like. She also said Martha can't get shoes over there like we have here. She recommeded a black pair of Easy Spirit walking shoes.

Guess I am off to the mall to get the shoes. It makes me feel better knowing I am giving something she will actually use.

Dad's House

I drove to Dallas today. My dad is watching Roxy (THANK YOU, DAD!) and becuase I fly out of DFW. I leave in 30 hours.

My journal entry and prayers for today:
I pray for a safe trip, a trip thath will allow me to share God's love and a trip that will not only change my life but others as well. God, I pray you give me the wisdom to know where you want me, how to help someone, where you need me, and the courage, wisdom, love, grace, compassion and faith to make your will be done.

I pray and give thanks for Priscilla. I thank you for her kindess and spirit. You have blown me away with your gifts this season. Please forgive me and my moments of uncertainty. I still have doubts even when you showed your love and power to me.

I thank you for Martha, Pacomis and Samuel. They are kind souls who are willing to help a perfect stranger. I pray you give them the resources they need and you fill their hearts with joy. I ask you take on any burden they may have today.

I thank you for all the support I am getting from friends and family. I pray they get inspired to do something to draw them closer to you.

I thank you for my friendship with Marlo. She and I had dinner tonight at my favorite restaraunt in Arlington, Royal Panda. She drove from Dallas in crazy traffic to see me before I left. Not only that, she contributed some money to the trip. She is not working right now, so that is a total act of love. I pray you give her love in return for her gift to me.

I am still feeling a little anxious. Like there is still so much to do. I guess at this point, if it isn't done I don't need it.

I don't feel like praying for anyone else right now. I hope you understand. Maybe I will feel like praying for them later today.

Day before departure

Today I had a total panick attack. I have felt pretty good up until this point but for some reason I flipped out. The first thing I did when I woke up was look into getting a massage. I can't really afford it, but I wasn't sure what else to do. So I called Massage Envy and made an appointment after getting the final rounds of immunization shots. It is only $35 for one hour massage for first time customers. I didn't know this, but they want people to buy a membership, so they give potential clients a deal. Who knew people got massages once a week? When I called to make the appointment they asked if I wanted a deep tissue or just the swedish massage. I told them I would like a little of both. I figured my shoulders and neck needed the deep tissue to relive the stress, but didn't want the rest of my body to feel sore. They said "Great! we can do that. I will set you up with Amanda. She can do both".

Apparantly, that is not the case. According to Amanda, you can't do a half of a deep tissue massage and half swedish massage, it is all or nothing baby. I told her what they said when I booked the appointment, and she seemed to get uber frustrated with me. That did not help my stress. So I started to feel guilty, like I did something wrong. Then the guilt turned into resentment. I resented that she made me feel bad about what I wanted. Truth is she didn't make me feel any of those things. I made myself feel that way. I have been working on allowing myself to feel what I feel and express it without GUILT. I often supress my feelings because I don't want to rock the boat. So practicing on this unsuspecting massage therapist seemed like a good idea. I told her "I feel uncomfortable because it seems you are frustrated with what I requested." She responded " OH NO! I am so sorry I didn't mean to come off that way. Just relax and I will take care of you." Amazing!! It worked! As soon as I told her how I felt, a weight was lifted off my shoulders, and I was able to fully enjoy the massage.

Sigh of relief

Yesterday I started to pack for my trip. It was another moment of high anxiety. I couldn't fit the items for the kids (clothes, toys, shoes, and sanitary napkins) into the allowed luggage. I emailed the director of the orphanage to find out if shipping was an option. He didn't recommend shipping b/c it is not reliable, and you have to pay additional to get it through customs. In addition, things tend to get confiscated. He suggested I buy the items over there as I will get more for my money. BRILLIANT! The plan is still to take some items with me but buy more once I am over there.


Also, I found out that b/c I am flying on a humanitarian ticket I can check 3 bags instead of two.

I still have to re-pack and organize, but all in all it has been a good day!

BA Strike

Just found British Airways is going through a pending strike with employees. There doesn't seem to be any reason to worry about my flights, but it is kind of hard not to.

Time to pray

I think it is time to pull out the prozac!

I have officially started to stress out. Even though I have been checking things off my list "To Do" for 6 weeks, I am worried I won't get it all done. The clock is ticking and what do I decide to do? Blog.

I still need to do:

Exchange dollars for schillings. no one has them on hand, so I am not sure what to do. I would prefer to not do it at Nairobi airport.

Pack the suitcase with the items for the kids. I still want to get them shoes, but don't know if there is enough room.

Call my credit card company to let them know I will be out of the country

Get a power of attorney

Make sure I have all by bills paid in advance

Get an umbrella, adaptor, pillow for airplane

Create a list of important information and phone numbers for my family

Get a present for the couple that is picking me up at the airport. BTW they are driving 300 miles to get me at the airport. This is another blessing God has given me. My dad just happens to have a friend that is from Kenya. Her sister still lives there and is picking me up. How cool is that?

I don't know what else I need to get done, but I know I need to get off the damn blog.

Anyone have some prozac I can borrow?

Fun at Wally - World

I just had the most fun at Wal-Mart, which is uncommon. I spent about two hours buying toys, clothes, games, color books, etc. for the kids at the orphanage. I think it may be the first time I went shopping and didn't buy anything for myself. Well I did buy some travel size items for my trip, but I don't think that counts.

You should try it out. The next time you go to Wal-Mart or Target, buy something for someone else. You don't have to buy something for a child in need or spend a lot of money. Think about getting an encouraging card for a friend, a loved ones' favorite DVD or a candy bar for your co-worker. It doesn't really matter, it is the simple act that will brighten their day.

Task for the day: Simply love someone

Should I or Shouldn't I?

I am starting to pack for Kenya. My goal is to fit all the essientials into one carry-on travel backpack and check two more suitcases with items for the kids.

But my dilemma at the moment is: Should I bring my hairdryer?

My hair is a hot mess without one, but it's not like I am taking a vaction to a resort on the French Riviera. Guess I'll just make a game time decision.

How petty and vain is this post?

Kumi na tisa and counting...

Kumi na tisa is "19" in Swahili.

I decided to re-organize my closet today. It is a pretty good size walk-in closet; big enough to fit all my clothes AND a washer and dryer. I don't know about you, but when I organize my closet I do it by color and item. On one side of my closet you will find in order my jeans, work pants, skirts, shorts, dresses, belts and jackets . The other side has my sweaters, long sleeve shirts, short sleeve shirts, and tank tops. On the floor I have four rows of shoes, and three bags stuffed with my purses.

As I was taking things out to only put them back in, I had a thought. Do the kids in Kenya even know what a walk-in closet is? How many articles of clothing do they have? I don't know the answer yet, but I imagine they don't have two pairs of riding boots, seven pairs of tennis shoes, six leather jackets or twenty pairs of jeans. I will be surprised if they have more than one article of clothing at all.

Kenya Or Bust - T minus 20 days

There are just 20 days left until I leave for Kenya. I can't believe it! I have been praying for this for more than two years. The purpose of my trip is to volunteer in an orphanage named Watoto Wa Baraka (means Children of Blessings). Watoto Wa Baraka is about one hour north of Nairobi, located in Pundamilia Village in the Maragua District. I have no idea where the village actually is, nor what it looks like. But I will find out in 20 days!

How I got to this point is really a beautiful story. Even though I consider myself to have a pretty strong faith, I had serious doubts that it would ever happen. Doubt is a powerful enemy of faith and truth be told, doubt was kicking my ass.

Thus the story begins. In October of 2008 I met Emlyn, Director of Cultural Embrace, at a party. We talked briefly about her company and experience with international service trips. I checked out her website, but didn't do much more than that. I simply didn't have the financial means. Doubt was slowly but surely smothering my faith. The only thing I could do was pray. So I armed myself with prayer.

Fast forward to July 2009. I started a new job with a better salary that allowed me to save for the trip. I was planning to go in December of 2009. Well, the timing just wasn't right and it didn't happen. But I didn't give up hope. I kept saving and even gave up highlighting my hair! And of course I kept praying. I even commissioned my friends and family to pray with me. My faith started to make a come back.

On February 3, 2010 I was laid off due to budget cuts. I was devastated. I didn't think I would ever get to Kenya. My faith started to slip away again. So I changed my pray a bit. I challenged God that if this trip was His will for me, then he had to get me there. I somewhat jokingly asked Him to send me a check in the mail. I figured that would be the only way it would actually happen. To my surprise, God not only answered my prayer, but exceeded my expectations.

On February 24, 2010 my dad called with some "good news". My dad nonchalantly told me he got a random check in the mail from my dead grandmother. Well, not literally from my dead grandmother, but from a CD she put away years ago. The amount of the check was the exact amount of a plane ticket to Kenya. I shed many tears of joy that day. That is more than "good news", it was my miracle. It was a faith kicking the S**T out of doubt.

From that day forward things have continued to fall into place. God continues to answer my prayers and blow my expectations out of the water. Thanks to my friends, family and God, not only am I going, but I will be able to take items like shoes, shirts, and sanitary napkins to the kids at the orphanage.

Moral of the day: Faith is the best weapon we have. Never give up your faith.