It is interesting how taking one step forward in the journey of life reveals more about the journey you used to be on. I came on this adventure with the hope of learning about the Kenyan lifestyle, people, and most of all how I can serve Kenyans in need. But during the process I am learning what defined me before and what I want to define me now. Basically, I am learning the definition of "Tracy".
Until this trip I never realized how much and how often I taper my feelings to accommodate others. In stead of just owning my emotions, I worry about the other person's feelings. I am terrified of rocking the boat. I am terrified that if I express my feelings of anger, disappointment, or annoyance I will be seen as combative, thoughtless,selfish, difficult, or offensive.** In my head I know you can show grace, mercy and love even when expressing feelings of anger, but in my heart it freakin' scares me. I am slowly starting to realize I am only responsible for my feelings and actions. I have no control over anyone else and how they feel. I pray that I can work towards balancing validating others feelings while acknowledging my own.
** Since I struggle so much with defining what my emotions are I had to use http://www.psychpage.com/learning/library/assess/feelings.html. I am thinking I need to carry around a copy of that list for awhile.
GOD CREATED US TO SERVE. ARE YOU?
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