My first trip to Kenya was in April 2010. It was a six week journey of faith, love, hardship, confusion, frustration, peace and an undeniable connection to God. I felt a light illuminating inside of me. All of my pprior posts share my experiences during the trip, but they don't include what happened when I returned home. The time before and during the trip is the most beautiful chapter of my life to date, yet the period after was probably the darkest. I prepared myself for some sort of reverse culture shock when getting back home, but I had no idea how severe it would actually be. As in all my other previous posts, I strive to be as open and authentic as possible. I believe the only way to truly grow as a person and build a strong relational community is to share your heart.
Almost immediately after my plane touched down in the United States, I isolated myself. I didn't want to talk to anyone about the trip, I didn't want to hang out with anyone, and all I wanted to do was be alone. It was a strange dynamic – I felt lonely, yet I was choosing to seclude myself.
Instead of leaning on others to help bring me out of this dark time, I tried to fill my loneliness with material things. I went on a shopping spree, pampered myself with manicures, pedicures, facials and hair treatments. I hired someone to rip up the carpet in my apartment and stain the concrete. (To be fair about the carpet, my dog tore it up, so it needed to be done). Regardless, I was still unemployed and spending money I didn’t have. For a good portion of my life, I have struggled with coveting material things and believing the lie that to be of value in this world, one must have money. It wasn't until I accepted Christ (in 2008) that I slowly began to understand my value comes from God. Yes, Puff Daddy tells us “It’s All About The Benjamins Baby”, but I tell you from being on both sides of the fence it’s not. By seeking a relationship with God, I gradually discovered nothing of this world can give me peace, joy, love and happiness except God. There is no designer outfit that will take away my anxiety. Granted it might make me feel good in the moment, but the truth is it creates more anxiety. So after three years of “detoxing” from material things, why did I go back to my old ways? Why did I look for comfort in spending money when I spent six weeks in extreme poverty? I still don’t know the answer to that. But what I do know is that the fire that was ignited in 2008 and blazing during the trip was extinguished. I felt empty inside.
Not only was I battling isolation and searching for comfort in material things, I became extremely jealous. I mean all consuming, overwhelming jealousy. I was jealous that many of my friends and family were either in a relationship, getting married, having babies or all three. I was jealous of those who loved God by serving others. I wanted to be the only one good enough and Christian enough to change the world. I wanted all the credit for the amazing things that happened in Kenya. Yet at the same time, I knew the entire trip was orchestrated by God; I had nothing to do with it. I have never felt more connected to God outside of those six weeks in Watoto Wa Baraka. I felt connected to Him on a daily basis. I knew exactly what He wanted me to do and I was doing it. There are no words adequate enough to describe the joy, peace and love that comes when you are living out God’s will. Those feelings were the fuel behind the fire. So if I experienced such joy by knowing God, why didn’t I want to share that with others? Plain and simple I was selfish. I wanted to be God’s favorite.
It took me about three months to work through those emotions. I slowly started to feel excitement and joy for those same friends and family members. I was finally able to think about others joy, not my own. I was no longer asking those self-deprecating questions "What is wrong with me? I love God more than they do, so why can’t I get what I want”? I share these things because they are true.
By the end of July the light within started to emerge again. I sensed that maybe God wanted me to move to Kenya long term. I was far enough in my walk to know not to make a rash decision. I knew I needed to be prayerful to discern if those feelings were really coming from Him and not my “I alone can save the World” ego.
I made the decision to go back to Kenya in April 2011 in the hopes that God would speak to me while I was there. (As a side note, I don’t hear audible messages from God; it is more of awareness in my spirit). I determined the second trip would be more meaningful if others went with me. The first trip I needed to keep the experience between just me and God; however a secret I held close, is that I didn't want anyone to go with me because I wanted all the credit.
I sent an email encouraging others to embark on this journey with me, but the only person who joined me was my mom. I was genuinely excited that she was coming with me. I knew a trip like this was something she had always wanted to do but never had the freedom (or finances) to make it happen. However, I was a bit uncertain about spending that much time with her in such close proximity. My mom is my best friend, and I love her dearly; but as most mothers and daughters, we have some areas in our relationship that need work.
I raised money from friends and family to fund my first trip, and was blessed to get more than I needed, which lead to buying the dairy cow. For the second trip, I wasn't planning to raise money because I could afford to pay my own way. However, I discovered Geoffrey, the Director of WWB, was seeking funding to build a green house and drip irrigation system. The purpose of the project is to provide fruits and vegetables for the orphanage, in addition to selling the surplus for a profit. Mom and I felt this was a worthy cause to ask for support. We raised a little over $3800 which covered the cost of the greenhouse and drip irrigation system as well as other materials needed to make the project a success.
The following posts will share how vastly different my second trip to Kenya was and how my flame was reignited.
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